My Story like most started many years ago, when I learned that my voice, my heart, and my thoughts were something to be kept private and to myself. While I doubt many of the people who gave me this message intended it to be received the way it was I felt that being true to myself caused me to be shunned and become an outcast. So I shut down my own intuition, acted out for the attention and affection I wanted but felt I never got. But mostly it led me to make choices that have left my life feeling like I was “stuck in a rut spinning my wheels” for the first decade of my adult life. I had no definition of who I was as a person, no personal drive to be anyone in particular when I “grew up”. I was floundering, I made choices based on what I thought people expected, got married, changed jobs (repeatedly), and got lost in the little things that make up life but don’t constitute living fully.
As is normal in life, things changed. It wasn’t so much a “one day I woke up and knew I was unhappy” kind of moment. While some may get those “a-ha” life transforming light bulb goes off moments I’m not really one of them. By the time I realized that I was so unhappy I was considering just walking away from my life it felt like trying to fit in had been eating away at my self confidence and self knowledge for decades. And in all likely hood it had. but sometimes we don’t feel we have the courage to stand up and take a step in a new direction. If you’ve been like me, the thought of changing the course of your life is daunting. I’d been giving the power over my happiness to other people for 20+ years at that point, the thought of pursuing what I wanted begged the question. “What do I want?” And the answer that came back was “I DON’T KNOW!” really I had no idea who I was any more. I worked a job my husband wanted me to have cause it made good money, I worked out in an effort to look like a model so I would be attractive, I wore makeup even though it burned my skin cause it was expected. I paid my bills, I went to events that made me want to scream from the crowd, the noise and the overwhelm. But the one thing I knew was that in the process of pleasing everyone around me I had made myself miserable. I had given up on my dreams, to the point I couldn’t even remember them. Worst of all I had given up my faith to be more accepted by others. I felt dead inside.
But here is the thing, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up right? That was 2010 when I made the choice to take control of my life back, since then I’ve worked on figuring out the answer to “What do I want?” and while the answer is no longer “I don’t know” it’s not always as clear as I would like. So I invite you to join me as I explore what it means to be yourself. I can assure you that the journey is not easy, there are people in our lives that have a vested interest in us staying the way we are which is why things like stereo types even exist (that and people are lazy in how they think). But no one person IS a stereotype! I’m not a stereotypical Woman, Mother, Parent, Wife, Daughter or any other label people put on me simply because it’s easier for them to catalog me as what ever that stereotype means for them.
So join me as I strive to break expectations and stereo types around motherhood, parenting, and creativity. Because for me being normal and fitting in no longer matter.